<i>Bakkhoí Antínoou</i>, Act II: Comedeia

So, Act I being completed, we move on to Act II (with all the same caveats as listed in the beginning of the previous entry!). This act begins and ends with songs or parts of songs (with altered lyrics) from the Eleventh Muse, one of which I gave on the blog here before going to PantheaCon.

Here we go!

ACT TWO: COMEDEIA

[ANTINOUS opens his eyes, turns his head to the side, and the music starts. He slowly sits up.]

ANTINOUS: I know that I am dead
and I know that you still love me;
But I just can’t be with you like this anymore,
Hadriane…

[Enter PERSEPHONE and DIONYSOS, who help ANTINOUS up, place him center stage, and then stand slightly behind him on each side of him, dancing with the music, joining in on some lines as per the original tune.]

ANTINOUS: He’s got both feet / on Gaia
But he won’t look away
/ Won’t look away
And in Egypt / They are starving
The inundation’s failed / But I can’t stay!

You know that I love you, man,
Hot like Egypt’s desert sands–
At this point you’ve gotta choose,
So much to lose…

Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Don’t mourn for me, Don’t mourn for me, Hadriane
Don’t let them slice into my guts,
Just build a pyre ‘n’ light me up!
Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane

Stop! Please…
Just let me go…
Hadriane
Just let me go…

He’s been broken /
By his sorrow
But the Empire’s falling down / It’s falling down
Initiation / From Eleusis
Hasn’t chased away his fears / In his tears he’ll drown!

You know that I love you, man,
Hot like Egypt’s desert sands–
At this point you’ve gotta choose,
So much to lose…

Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Don’t mourn for me, Don’t mourn for me, Hadriane
Don’t let them slice into my guts,
Just build a pyre ‘n’ light me up!
Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane

[Enter HERMES.]

ANTINOUS: Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me…

HERMES: Hadriane

ANTINOUS: Don’t mourn for me, Don’t mourn for me…

HERMES: Hadriane

ANTINOUS: Live on for me, Live on for me…

HERMES: Hadriane

ANTINOUS: How much I wish that I could touch…Hadriane

Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Don’t mourn for me, Don’t mourn for me, Hadriane
Don’t let them slice into my guts,
Just build a pyre ‘n’ light me up!
Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane
Hadriane, Hadriane,
Ave Hadriane, Ave Hadriane

[In the last chorus, as the CHORUS, guided by DIONYSOS and PERSEPHONE, sings and dances the last lines over and over again, ANTINOUS sings the final chorus. HERMES takes out a pen, seems to be writing something, then hands it to ANTINOUS to sign, then salutes him and exits.]

ANTINOUS: Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Don’t mourn for me, Don’t mourn for me, Hadriane
Don’t let them slice into my guts,
Just build a pyre ‘n’ light me up!
Don’t cry for me, Don’t cry for me, Hadriane
Hadriane.

I recognize you—you’re the Maiden, aren’t you?

PERSEPHONE: I am, my child, my initiate.

ANTINOUS: And you—are you The God Who Must Be Obeyed?

DIONYSOS: “Dionysos” will actually do fine, thanks!

ANTINOUS: And the one who was just here—the Psychopomp?

DIONYSOS: Herems—yeah, that was him!

ANTINOUS: But where did he go? What was he doing?

PERSEPHONE: Delivering your prayer to Hadrian, I expect.

ANTINOUS: Prayer? Hadrian? Wait, what’s…I’m really confused. Why didn’t Hermes escort me to you? Isn’t there supposed to be a ferryman? Isn’t there supposed to be a white cypress tree and a pool? A three-headed dog? Shouldn’t I be…a little more insubstantial?

[PERSPEHONE and DIONYSOS laugh.]

DIONYSOS: It’s not quite like that, Antinous—at least not for you.

ANTINOUS: Wait, I know this. [Standing up straighter, clearing his throat, closing his eyes, adopting a declaiming gesture.] I have been initiated long ago. Close off Eleusis and the holy fire, torch-bearer, and be grudging of holy night. I have beheld the fire, and I have seen the Maiden…

PERSEPHONE: Did Hekate come in? I sure don’t see her…

ANTINOUS: No, wait, let me try again. [Short pause, passing his hand before his eyes.] I am the child of Gaia and of starry Ouranos, but my soul is of Ouranos alone.

DIONYSOS: Your soul is in your anus?

PERSEPHONE: It’s always in the last place you look.

ANTINOUS: No, no, no, hang on…I have not committed incest, I have not blasphemed any of the gods, I have not murdered…

DIONYSOS: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

ANTINOUS: But…wait…what’s going on here? I don’t understand! Shouldn’t I be judged, or tried, or weighed, or something?

DIONYSOS: Ooh! I love the weight-guessing game! Speaking of weight, does this thyrsus make my ass look big?

PERSEPHONE: Now, now, you’re confusing him. We’d better explain.

DIONYSOS: Why not let him?

ANTINOUS: Who?

[Enter HERMES.]

HERMES: Congratulations, Antinous! You’re a winner!

[HERMES, PERSEPHONE, and DIONYSOS applaud.]

ANTINOUS: Winner? What did I win?

HERMES: Deification, my boy! Congratulations! You’re a god now!

[Pause.]

ANTINOUS: A…god?!? Really? But how?

DIONYSOS: Someone slipped something into your drink; or, maybe more accurately, you slipped into a drink yourself.

ANTINOUS: Wait…the Nile. Did I drown?

PERSEPHONE: It’s a blessing that you don’t remember that bit, I think.

ANTINOUS: And because of that, I’m a god now?

HERMES: Indeed! You lucky bum…

ANTINOUS: What?

HERMES: It wasn’t enough that I was Zeus’ son by the hottest nymph on Gaia’s green ass—no! I had to invent stuff, steal a bunch of cows, make sacrifices, lie, and time a well-placed fart to get admitted to Olympus. But you take a little row on the river, fall in, and bang!—Congratulations, you’re a god, and that’s that.

[A Ding. HERMES pulls out a scroll.]

HERMES: Oh, that’s mine.

ANTINOUS: What is it?

HERMES: Text message. Hmm…I’ve gotta take this. Anon! [Exit HERMES.]

ANTINOUS: Where’s he going?

PERSEPHONE: To escort someone who died to their afterlife, I should think.

ANTINOUS: But, why didn’t he do that for me?

DIONYSOS: You’re a god, you have to make your own way.

PERSEPHONE: Don’t fret—things will begin to make more sense as you go along.

[Enter HERMES.]

DIONYSOS: Who was it this time?

HERMES: Julius Caesar. Stabbed twenty-three times…awful!

ANTINOUS: Divus Julius? But, he died nearly two centuries ago!

PERSEPHONE: Time doesn’t work quite like that here, Antinous.

DIONYSOS: The future is yours, and so is the past, to do with as you like.

HERMES: It’s great being a god, eh? [Another Ding. HERMES looks at the scroll.] Oh boy—another one. Back in a few! [Exit HERMES.]

ANTINOUS: Now, hang on…that song I was singing…it was a prayer?

DIONYSOS: Of a sort.

ANTINOUS: I…think I see…Hadrian…he was…crying…horribly… incessantly…

PERSEPHONE: Yes. He was upset at your death. Who wouldn’t be?

ANTINOUS: He was crying…and I felt it.

DIONYSOS: You’re a god now! If someone calls for you, you’ll hear it, and feel it. It’s up to you to decide what to do when you’re called.

ANTINOUS: He said he wishes I were alive again.

DIONYSOS: Uh-oh, don’t go there…

ANTINOUS: Why not?

DIONYSOS: Two words: Ass…klepios.

ANTINOUS: Ass-klepios? But that’s one word!

DIONYSOS: Is it? Who knows, who cares—words really aren’t my thing, they’re more Hermes’ department.

[Enter HERMES.]

HERMES: At your service!

PERSEPHONE: Who was it this time?

HERMES: John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

DIONYSOS: How did he die?

HERMES: I don’t know…some magic bullet or something…I haven’t had time to watch that Oliver Stone film yet.

ANTINOUS: And when did this Emperor rule?

HERMES: The early ‘60s.

ANTINOUS: What?

DIONYSOS: The 1960s.

ANTINOUS: What?

PERSEPHONE: Oh, apologies, Antinous—excuse these boorish boys. Two-thousand seven-hundred fourteen years after the foundation of Rome.

ANTINOUS: Two-thousand…but that’s almost two millennia after my own life!

HERMES: Indeed.

ANTINOUS: So, what of Hadrian? Surely he must be…dead…by then, right?

PERSEPHONE: Indubitably.

ANTINOUS: But no prayers have come for a millennium and a half…sure, he may have long since died, but why haven’t others carried on after him? Did he not establish my worship strongly enough?

HERMES: Ask not what your Emperor can do for you, ask what you can do for your Emperor! [Another Ding.] Uh-oh…oh, boy, this one may be a doozy. Back soon! [Exit HERMES.]

ANTINOUS: What did he mean by that, and why was he speaking in that weird accent?

DIONYSOS; If you’d just spent five hundred years with Jack Kennedy, you’d talk that way, too.

ANTINOUS: Five hundred years? But he was only gone for a minute!

DIONYSOS: To you!

PERSEPHONE: Hermes is, let’s say, “special.” Always running ahead of himself…

DIONYSOS: Like father, like son…

ANTINOUS: Which son? Linos?

DIONYSOS: Ooh! Extra points for the Bithynian for Greek mythology geekdom!

PERSEPHONE: No—you.

ANTINOUS: Me? But how?

PERSEPHONE: You’re Arcadian, and thus Hermes is your divine father. You did not need a psychopomp, but like Hermes, you’ll be one eventually for other mortals.

ANTINOUS: I will be a guide of souls?

DIONYSOS: Both living and dead, yes. Exciting, huh?

ANTINOUS: And yet, I’ll have to be the bearer of the worst news possible.

[Enter HERMES.]

HERMES: Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.

DIONYSOS: Who was it this time?

HERMES: Elvis Aaron Presley.

PERSEPHONE and DIONYSOS: Oooh…

ANTINOUS: Was he a king?

DIONYSOS: He wasn’t “a” king—he was THE King!

ANTINOUS: King of what?

DIONYSOS and HERMES: King of Rock ‘n’ Roll! [They both do air guitars.]

ANTINOUS: Of avalanches?

PERSEPHONE: No, no, no…

ANTINOUS: But I thought Sisyphus was the king who rolled the rock! [DIONYSOS and HERMES look at each other and groan.] What did I say?

PERSEPHONE: Never mind. What worries you now, Antinous?

ANTINOUS: Hadrian…what can I do about him? I cannot bring myself back to life, but I dare not fulfill his other prayer.

DIONYSOS: And that was?

ANTINOUS: For me to take him in death personally.

DIONYSOS: Ooh, tough one…

ANTINOUS: And yet, I still hear him crying, praying, begging the gods to let him die…like it is still happening right now, all this time in the future…

HERMES: Whoa-oh, don’t you know he’s caught in a trap [DIONYSOS and PERSEPHONE do backing vocals] He can’t walk out
Because he loves you too much, baby…
Thankyouverymuch!

ANTINOUS: By Apollon, what under Ouranos was that?

HERMES: Rock ‘n’ roll, baby! [Air guitar.]

DIONYSOS: Rock ‘n’ roll under your anus?

HERMES: And we all know you like how that feels, Dionysos!

PERSEPHONE: Boys, boys, boys! Really! We have more pressing matters to attend to!

HERMES and DIONYSOS: Like what?

PERSEPHONE: Antinous, of course! Idiots!

DIONYSOS: Oh, of course. Antinous, I have a gift for you! [He hands ANTINOUS the thyrsus.] Now you will be Antinous Epiphanes, the god who comes, and Antinous Choreios, the god of the dance, and Antinous the Neos Iakkhos…

PERSEPHONE: Though that is also my gift to give you, dear boy.

HERMES: [To audience.] Great—typical! I’m his divine father, she’s his divine mother, and I don’t even get the pleasure of sealing the deal with her! Typical, typical, typical…

PERSEPHONE: What was that?

HERMES: Uhh, nothing! [Takes out scroll.] Wrong number, wrong number!

PERSEPHONE: Well, Hermes? Don’t you have something for our son?

HERMES: As a matter of fact, yes. Antinous, you will be the hero before-the-gate, Heros Propylaios; you will be the Argus-slayer, Argeiphontes; and most of all, you will be so identified with me that you will be the Neos Hermes—the first ever such mortal to be so recognized.

DIONYSOS: Hey! Now that’s going too far! I want him to be the Neos Dionysos now!

HERMES: That’s kind of icky, considering Hadrian is a Neos Dionysos as well—but then again, you always had a penchant for fucking yourself!

DIONYSOS: Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t go around showing my dick to everyone who passes by! Big perv! No wonder people set up herms at boundaries—that thing would scare anyone off with eyes in their head!

HERMES: Oh, speaking of dicks, I forgot to mention: Osiris called. He wants his cock and balls back!

PERSEPHONE: Hey, hey, HEY! Now really, you two! You’re behaving like complete and utter—

DIONYSOS: Children?

HERMES: Dogs?

PERSEPHONE: Actually, I was going to say “barbarians,” but let’s go with “barbarian puppies” and make everyone happy.

ANTINOUS: You mean Geri and Freki?

[All look at each other, astonished.]

HERMES: Verily, I bow down to your Germanic mythological geekdom!

DIONYSOS: But wait—you never went to Germania, how would you know that?

ANTINOUS: Fast learner, I guess…I’m catching on pretty quickly, I think…

PERSEPHONE: You are!

[ANTINOUS stands with his arms at his side, head slightly raised, eyes closed…some sound effects would be good here, preferably of the video game sort.]

HERMES: Wow, can you believe this?

DIONYSOS: Amazing—so many gods!

PERSEPHONE: Every one of them giving him a power-up!

HERMES: Wow…and he didn’t even have to beat any bosses to get these!

DIONYSOS: What about the lion?

PERSEPHONE: Hmm…mini-boss at best…but, no big deal.

ANTINOUS: That was intense! How long have I been gone?

HERMES: Twenty seconds, twenty million years, it’s all the same, really.

ANTINOUS: It is, and now I know what I must do.

PERSEPHONE: Yes, Antinous?

ANTINOUS: I must grant Hadrian’s other prayer—I must let him die.

PERSEPHONE: Not your area, Antinous.

ANTINOUS: True, it’s yours. Will you do this for me?

PERSEPHONE: I already have. He suffers no more…he has been free from suffering for a great while, in fact.

ANTINOUS: Yes, I understand now. Time is as I wish it to be. He died long ago. His prayers continue. I want him to be with me now. DING! [HERMES takes out his scroll.]

HERMES: Nice one, boyo!

DIONYSOS: Now you’re thinking like a god!

HERMES: Are you sure you don’t want to do this one yourself?

ANTINOUS: It’s my first time—let’s do it together, just this once.

HERMES: Right on! I’ll be right back! [Exit HERMES.]

ANTINOUS: Oh…this is so…strange…wonderful…exciting…anxious…

DIONYSOS: Fun?

ANTINOUS: Yes, it’s fun, too!

PERSEPHONE: The fun is only just beginning, Antinous.

[Enter HERMES leading HADRIAN.]

HERMES: May I present the Imperator of Rome, the Divine Augustus Caesar, twice Emperor, three times Consul, Father of His Country, Pontifex Maximus, Publius Aelius Hadrianus!

HADRIAN: Oh, get over it!

HERMES: Sorry, just doing my job!
[HADRIAN and ANTINOUS embrace.]

DIONYSOS: Well, now what?

PERSEPHONE: I’m surprised you have to ask, my son!

HERMES: Yeah! Everyone knows that all good comedies end with a wedding!

DIONYSOS: But in this case, it is a hieros gamos!

HERMES! Indeed! [To audience.] And if you all think you get to watch the two of them fuck on stage now, you’ve got another thing coming!

DIONYSOS: Yeah! My other mother got fried to a crisp for glimpsing that, and Zeus isn’t half as hot as these two!

HERMES: What do you reckon, the traditional tune?

DIONYSOS: I much prefer the version of the Eleventh Muse.

PERSEPHONE: So, it only remains, then, to say…

HERMES: Oh-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, Oh-o-o, they’re in a god romance!

HERMES, DIONYSOS, and PERSEPHONE: Oh-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o, Oh-o-o, they’re in a god romance!
Ave, Gaudete! Ave, Antinoe! Ave, Hadriane! Hieros Gamos!

ALL/CHORUS: Ave, Gaudete! Ave, Antinoe! Ave, Hadriane! Hieros Gamos!

[Repeat a few times. Exit HERMES and PERSEPHONE.]