Posted by: aediculaantinoi | February 2, 2013

Messages from Phil

tdy-130202-groundhog-1_photoblog500

Grumble, grumble, grumble…

I can’t believe you jerks have brought this whole crowd here to disturb me on this day AGAIN. What a bunch of schmucks.

And, ahead of time, you’ve decided to say that I didn’t see my shadow, which means that Spring will come early.

Well, guess what, idiots? Spring comes on March 21st whether you like it or not. It’s called “the revolution of the Earth through its orbit”–look it up.

Is it going to “get warmer”? Is that what you’re asking? For crying out loud…

If you need me to tell you whether I saw my shadow or not to know that, then your species is even more lost and doomed than I had imagined.

The glaciers are melting at an alarming rate. Super storms, droughts, and other unprecedented weather is plaguing the world more and more each year.

And yet you think me seeing or not seeing my shadow determines what the weather is going to be like? Gods help us…

This used to be so much easier, when you idiots didn’t live here, and instead seeing a bear or a wolf on this date in France determined whether it would be winter or spring longer. But, you killed all of them off, and then you came over here…and it’s only because you keep me in a cage year after year that you can even do this stupid song and dance.

(And “Gobbler’s Knob”? Really? I like oral sex just as much as the next groundhog, but please…If you don’t move Bill Clinton into a residence called Tobacco Leaves Dildo Hut, I’m going to protest about this every damned year.)

Here’s a thought: quit chasing around the Kardashians and telling us how many pieces of toilet paper they used after a trip to Whole Foods, get off your duffs and start looking at nature, and quit using up all the fossil fuels like they’re going out of style…Yes, they are going out of style, so QUIT USING THEM! If only the Fashion Police responded to petroleum overuse violations. Where’s Joan Rivers when you need her? Oh, that’s right–GETTING MORE PLASTIC PUT IN HER FACE! For crying out loud…

I’m going back to bed. Don’t wake me up until next year, you jerks.


Responses

  1. I always thought the activities behind ground hogs day to be ridiculous, so this gave me quite a laugh :D

    • I’m actually not opposed to this sort of thing–as Px.Ph. says above, there are seasonal divination rituals involving animals that take place around this time of year in many other cultures (e.g. if you saw a bear rather than a wolf on this day, that meant it was going to be warmer soon since the bear was out of hibernation). I rather object to how this one is done, personally, and how the “inner circle” decides upon these things. But, as Px.Ph. seems to agree (see his comments above), it’s just coincidence that I allowed him to post his thoughts here. ;)

      • true but I think that such was based on the seeing of said animal in nature moving with the seasons of nature, not a “pet” being pulled out and paraded around rather than having anything to do with nature. Or so it seems to me :)

      • Yes, exactly. And, really, since the Inner Circle decides on these things anyway, the animal has become totally irrelevant…poor little bum.

  2. Tell us how you really feel!

    Also, I feel that Tobacco Leaves Dildo Hut should be the name of one of the houses in a Harry Potter porn.

    I understand the sentiment, though. I don’t know why we need a groundhog to tell us about the weather, didn’t Al Gore already do that for us a few years ago?? Meh.

    • It’s not me–I’m just posting here what Px.Ph. had to say on the matter.

      Though, I’m not sure that “Tobacco Leaves Dildo Hut” would best be served in Harry Potter…it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue (*ahem*) as well as Slytherin, Gryffindor, etc.

      • But of course.

        I think you have a point… the original house names are a little, shall we say, easier to swallow ;)

      • Oh my…

        And, I just realized who this was writing! How intriguing! :)

  3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. I accept the meteorological prognostications of rodents over weatherpersons. One is clearly science, the other witchcraft.


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