Posted by: aediculaantinoi | November 14, 2012

Worst. Movie. EVAR.

I shudder to think that someone is actually putting money behind this…

[Note: This is as I found it–I haven’t edited any of the MAJOR spelling errors, alas…]

Vita Hadriani
(Lions Gate Entertainment, projected release date March 2014)
dir. Zack Snyder

SYNOPSIS: The Roman Emperor Hadrian, after taking the throne from his predecessor Trajan, soon finds difficulty in Britain, and goes to the struggling province with his youthful ward and presumptive heir, Antonius, to survey the damage. Intrigue eventually develops when his wife, Sabia, conspires with her British lover to assassinate Antonius while the Emperor and his party are on tour in Egypt, and blame it on the Jewish revolutionaries. All the while, lavish dream sequences of the Emperor and his ward with various ancient and immortal gods weave myth into history, and illuminate the many mysteries and controversies of the early rise of Christianity.

Hadrian – Bradley Cooper
Trajan – Nicholas Cage
Antonius – Channing Tatum
Sabia – Sophia Vergara
Rufus – Hugh Laurie
Shimeon – Liev Schreiber
Bes – Danny DeVito
Persephone – Rachel McAdams
Zeus – Ciarán Hinds
Isis – Jessica Lange


Well, it’s at least good to see Hugh Laurie doing big-screen dramas again…but, still, feck.



  1. It’d be the Best. Movie. EVAR if Nicholas Cage played all the parts.

    • I had a feeling you’d say something like that…where Nicholas Cage goes, there Sannion followeth. 😉

      • You know what the Best. Movie EVAR. is, though? Zardoz. I’m dead serious.

      • Haven’t seen it–but it has Sean Connery in a loincloth in it, right? (Then again, so does Time Bandits…) That would be worth it, right there!

      • …though LisztOMania is a very close second.

      • I don’t know…it sure has its moments, but I think I have selective lactose intolerance to that particular form of cheese, perhaps.

      • True that.

        And on a related note, have you seen this:

        Abstract: This article explores the early medieval transformation of a pagan Roman monument, Hadrian’s tomb, into a Christian fortress consecrated to St Michael.

      • Hadn’t seen that–thanks! Will have a closer look at it later!

    • I would totally see that, but maybe not for all the same reasons. Perhaps some of them, but maybe not all, is what I’m saying.

  2. Danny DeVito as Bes = Win.
    Nicholas Cage as the Divus Trajanus = Horror beyond reckoning.

    • I know…and, they’d probably give him a beard or something, too, to make it even worse.

      Of course, my choice for Bes would be Cee Lo Green, but he pretty much does that anyway without even knowing it! 😉

      • A bearded Nicholas Cage?


  3. I dunno I was quite looking forward to seeing Nick Cage as Fu Manchu, if only Rob Zombie would get off his lazy ass and make “Werewolf Women of the SS”.

    As for this movie. You lost me at Zak Snyder. Sucker Punch was reputedly one of the nastiest pieces of slime ever to grace a movie screen. Never trust a scientologist.

    • I agree with you fully–but, that’s the point: this movie is going to suck, and not in any kind of good, redeeming, or enjoyable fashion. I have not seen the further film you mentioned for the very reasons you mention (so I heard); his 300 (which was kind of a shitty piece to begin with) and Watchmen also sucked in many different ways, which makes this even more of a bad idea.

  4. You ARE kidding, right?

  5. It’s not in IMDb… (she says faintly, hopefully)

    • Hmm…I wonder why that is…?!?

      (P.S.: Write to me for more info.)

    • yeah, I’m not finding any info on it anywhere… ?

      • There may be a reason for that, which I’d be happy to discuss further elsewhere. I have inside lines when it comes to these things.

  6. It can’t be worse than this one:

    ‘Hercules’ Film Moves Forward, Casts Male Lead

    • That does sound pretty bad…though, having anything with Thracians in it might be “at least something,” so to speak…

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